When Dawson and my daughter Marissa were young, I desperately wanted to help them understand God’s offer of forgiveness and that Jesus had to suffer so we could be forgiven. So I came up with a crazy idea. I sat the kids down and shared with them that from now on, if one of them did something wrong and deserved a spanking the other could elect to take the spanking. I explained that this is what Jesus did for us. We were guilty, innocent, but he chose to “take our spanking.” (Substitutionary atonement for toddlers!)
They seemed to understand, but no one got in trouble for a long time, so we didn’t have a chance to test out my new system. One day almost a year later we were driving somewhere and the kids were acting up, especially Marissa, and I gave them a warning or two. Then I realized it might be a good chance to remind them of our family’s spanking policy. I explained that if Marissa kept up her bad behavior and it warranted a spanking, Dawson could choose to take the spanking for her. It got quiet in the car for a couple minutes, and then Marissa started whining. I asked why and she said, “Daddyyyyy, when do I get to spank Dawson? I want to spank Dawson!”
Isn’t that funny? Marissa was given a chance to avoid a punishment she deserved, and instead of being grateful, all she wanted was to dole out punishment on someone else. The problem with Marissa was that she wasn’t viewing herself as being guilty and in need of mercy, but instead she put herself in the role of judge. That’s our problem too. The reason we find forgiving so difficult is because we play judge, and so we’re quick to determine guilt and assign penalties, rather than viewing ourselves as in need of mercy. And that makes all the difference.
Did you read the story about Mark Morice? Shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit, Mark Morice saw flood victims hanging on to rooftops and clinging to tree branches. He realized that these people were going to die. He noticed an 1.8-foot pleasure boat. He didn’t know it, but the boat belonged to a man named John Lyons. Mark Morice isn’t the kind of guy who steals, but this was a desperate moment that called for desperate measures. Moved by mercy, Morice took the boat and ended up rescuing more than two hundred people with it. Later he passed the boat on to others, who used it to rescue more people. Ultimately the boat was lost. After all the chaos settled down, John Lyons (the boat owner) was looking for the boat, and Mark Morice voluntarily identified himself, explaining that he took the boat and saved all those people in it. John Lyons sued Mark Morice for $12,000.
Why? Because John Lyons put himself in the role of judge rather than viewing himself as someone who needs mercy. If Mark Morice had saved John Lyons or one of his kids that day, I doubt John Lyons would have filed a lawsuit. Why not? Because he would have seen himself as someone in need of mercy. (I have to admit that when I first heard this story, I wanted to find John Lyons and punch him in the throat. Why? Because I put myself in the role of judge. 0 irony, thy sting is great.)
If you’ve been having trouble forgiving, is it because you’re viewing yourself as a judge rather than someone in need of mercy? Are you more focused on trying to punish others than on being grateful that you’ve been forgiven?
The problem is that if we go through life as a judge, unwilling to forgive, we keep ourselves trapped in a cell of our own bitterness. The irony is that we feel like we’re making the other person pay by not forgiving them, but we’re actually the one suffering. Only when we focus on the fact that we were in need of mercy and received forgiveness are we able to offer forgiveness, releasing and hurling away the past and finally freeing ourselves from the cell of our bitterness.
Wouldn’t you like to be a part of a worldwide revolution of love that employs forgiveness as its most powerful weapon? Then who do you need to forgive? To whom could you offer an extraordinary invitation? Who could you kill with kindness?
1. Here’s a truth that will seem ridiculously obvious: you can’t give something you don’t have. It’s true, right? You can’t give one million dollars if you don’t have one million dollars. You can’t give a liverwurst sandwich if you don’t have a liverwurst sandwich. Agreed? You can’t give what you don’t have.
2. If you’re having a lot of trouble forgiving someone, is it possibly because you don’t have forgiveness to give? Put another way: it’s very difficult (or impossible) to give forgiveness if you haven’t received forgiveness.
3. Read Colossians 3:12-14. How does this passage connect our receiving God’s forgiveness with our ability to give forgiveness to others?
4. How forgiven by God do you feel—not just in your brain but in your heart? Have you ever accepted his forgiveness, and if so, have you really let it sink into your heart so that you feel forgiven?
5. Read Matthew 18:21-35. In this story Jesus connects being forgiven with giving forgiveness. Why do you think the man who was forgiven his debt wasn’t able to forgive the debt of his fellow servant?
6. Do you think it’s possible that this servant didn’t feel forgiven? Perhaps he still felt like he had to pay back the debt (even though he didn’t), or maybe the idea of his debt being forgiven was still so new, he hadn’t accepted it yet. What do you think—is it possible he didn’t feel forgiven? Why or why not?
7. How can not feeling forgiven make offering forgiveness difficult?
8. If you don’t totally feel forgiven by God, how could you get to a place where you do feel that way?
9. Who are you having trouble forgiving?
10. How might it advance the revolution for you to forgive that person?
You have a three-part mission (should you decide to accept it) (cue music now):
1. Read “It’s Time to Talk Guerrilla.” If you realize that you don’t feel forgiven, get alone with God and beg him to help you really let his forgiveness flood into your heart. This has to come first.
2. Now it’s time to offer forgiveness. Benedictine monks have a daily practice to remind them that they need God’s grace to offer forgiveness to others. They get a bucket of water. Then they identify (in their mind) a person they have not forgiven, and they symbolically hold that person in their clenched fists and put their fists into the water. They then pray for the grace to forgive that person. As they feel God working his grace into their heart, they gradually open their fists, symbolically releasing the grudge they’ve held. So go fill a bucket with water and get all Benedictine. This may take serious prayer and a decent amount of time, so give yourself a while.
3. Now you’re going to leave behind Benedictine and go guerrilla. Pray about what would be the most appropriate way to let that person know you have forgiven him or her. Not the easiest way but the most appropriate way. Usually this will be in a face-to-face meeting. In some situations, meeting with the person may not be appropriate (for instance, with a person who may pose some physical danger to you). Whatever is most appropriate (meet face-to-face, make a phone call, write a letter), do it. Let that person know that you have forgiven him or her and that it’s because God has forgiven you.
You know how shampoo bottles always say, “Lather, rinse, repeat”? Well, Benedictine monks repeat this process every day. It may be a good idea for you to do it at least once a month. Maybe you should go to whatever calendar you use and mark a day each month (perhaps the first Sunday of every month) when you will create some time to engage in this process.
For more assignments and ideas, and to learn about and become a part of the Guerrilla Lover movement, go to www .guerrillalovers.com.
I know Jesus says forgive 70×7. Im up to 67×7, forgiving my bipoler daughter, but she keeps pounding my chops again and again. God please help me. Hal
After wed nite, I felt that I had not been forgiven by God,in my heart. I was judgmental, and certainly was not forgiving. Afterpraying all nite, I got on yhe floor,on my knees, asked for Gods forgivness deep in my heart After more prayer,and a lot tears, He answered. Praise God! PC ANSWERED MY phone and 5 min later he prayed for me. One hour later I decided to call my daughter-in-law and tell her that thru Gods grace and his forgivness, I forgave her ! What PEACE . Grace and Peace to you all.
After a day and a half of thinking about the topic on Wed. night I woke up Friday morning & decided that I was going to contact that person that I was having a hard time with.
I called and asked if she had a few minutes. I told her that I was sorry for hurting her feelings, that I have prayed to God for forgiveness and I am asking you to forgive me. She said of course I do. Then she asked if everything was ok and wanted to know how I was. I told her that we were all fine & that I had to let her go to pick up D. I didn’t know what to do or what I wanted to do – I just took a HUGE step asking for forgiveness and she wants to talk!?
I hung up the phone and started filling up – it was emotional yet invigorating and in some type of way I felt free like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and it FELT GREAT!! No one is perfect & people make mistakes – the only thing that I can do is try harder to be a better person with God’s help!!
I have never posted on a blog before so I talked to much – I am sorry and bear with me getting use to this! Thanks Jenn!
I also would like to say I am thankful for going to CFN last week & I am thankful of spending an hour with each one of you – Thank you. Jenn
Wow! How amazing is it that Pastor John delivered that sermon yesterday on this subject of forgiveness and mercy. The Holy Spirit is clearly at work here. Thank you Jennifer for sharing your experience. Others from our group have shared with me in person their guerrilla loving experience this week too…WAY TO GO PEOPLE. I have done some work on this myself. I’ll share with you all in class on Wednesday. PEACE, PASTOR CHRIS
JDC, What a load off your shoulders Praise God! See you wed nite.Hal
As we have learned in the past, you can”t give away what you don”t have! So when I asked a good friend where to start my freedom fight, he said ” start with yourself” SoI I’m about to begin. Hal